Coyotes Make Me Ugly

It’s official. The coyotes have driven me to madness. When the smarmy, (and might I add healthy looking) predators began sauntering across driveways and walkways with an air of entitlement, I became slightly alarmed, proceeding with caution by monitoring my dog closely while she sniffed around the backyard. 

And then, like white on rice, they were everywhere. All I see are coyotes. All I hear are people talking about coyotes. IN FACT, just last week, a friend mentioned she went to a lecture,YES a lecture on Urban Coyotes. 

It’s shocking really., what I’ve been reduced to.  I used to loathe animals of all kind. I would smile politely at friends’ pets while cringing internally as they sniffed my boots. Since becoming a dog owner, that’s all changed. 

Unintentionally, I became some sort of crazy lady coyote cop. That’s right, my normally pleasant demeanor turned demonic due to myriad coyote sightings. Call me Neen, the wild-eyed dog vigilante. “There she is,” you might say, ‘waiting, hoping to catch one on her land!” Land?

I called neighbors informing them their dogs were spotted off-leash chasing down coyotes through yonder yards. I found others like me. Formerly calm, collected men and women are out there, watching, slingin’ baseball bats, wielding sticks and honking horns to protect themselves from our “Urban Coyotes.” I hear the coyotes howling at night behind my house across the creek and wonder when the madness will end. I’m losing sleep because of these villains. What the shit is going on?!

After witnessing a nasty coyote/dog fight on Westleigh Avenue, I pulled my car over and started honking and screaming at the creatures hoping to separate them (utterly mortifying my middle schooler in the process.) I realized I finally snapped. The sneaky beasts got the best of me. Heavy breaths and a heavy dose of ‘you really need to get out more,’ I decided to be more productive.

Since these creatures are part of our urban habitat, we need to protect ourselves, civilly, as this is not the wild west, and I, am fortunately not Annie Oakley. While the idea of a pellet gun, a beer and a small wound to scare these critters off my property sounds DANDY, I do realize I need to at least act as though I am a dignified human being and handle this properly.

So, I’ve done my research, and this is what we need to do:

Especially while its coyote mating season in February - Keep your dogs on leash - don’t let them run free at the park or down the paths.

Keep an eye on your pets, even in your backyard.

If you come across a coyote, DO NOT run from it. Educate him to be afraid of you. That’s right - educate him. Make loud noises, appear bigger (I wouldn’t use stilettos, but that’s just me) by raising your arms in the air and shouting loudly. I don’t see the dignity in this, but at least maiming isn’t involved.

So today, I say goodbye to Crazy Lady Coyote Cop. I will heed the aforementioned instructions and will mind my own business, my own dog and plan a girls night this week with the hopes of returning to my former self.

For more information about our new neighbors, go to http://urbancoyoteresearch.com/

underwear for under your sundress

At lunch recently, my gals and I were discussing the best underwear  to wear underneath a sundress. Yes, we talk about underwear. We recommend, we slash and burn, we throw our hands up in disgust. A thong? Nope, your butt looks sadly unprotected. Briefs? Nope, panty lines (God FORBID). Boy shorts?!! Nope, they ride up on your leg.

Neen to the rescue gal pals o'mine. I have two fabulous suggestions:

Under Armour Women's Mesh Boy shorts. Hand to God girlies, these do not ride up, panty lines are non-existent and are extremely comfortable. And, if I do say so myself, they look pretty smokin' when they're on. In fact, while the product description doesn't claim it, I think these little darlings give my tush a smidge of a lift. Yep, I said it!  Word of warning: They are low rise, so if you're jammin' on the Oreos, you may want to stay away from these for a day or two.

Skinny Britches by Spanx:  These are not wintertime Spanx girls. The lightweight yet suck you in material is perfect for summer. They smooth you out under fitted dresses and are quite comfy. I wore a pair recently and truly forgot I had them on. I plan to buy them in bulk, as most of you know I love me some summah-time dresses.

You can find the Under Armour Boy Shorts at Dick's Sporting Goods or at www.underarmour.com

Skinny Britches are available at Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom and Saks. Or, if you're too busy sipping on Skinny Girl Margaritas, head on over to Spanx.com.

Camp Get Me The Heck Outta Here

While driving my kiddos around town to various activities and camps, I wondered allowed, "Wouldn't it be great if there were a summer camp for moms?" I don't mean a girls weekend. I wanted to know if there were any cool summer camps for ME. After a few clicks and Google searches, I discovered many options from Yoga Camp to Healthy Living Camp to Rock Star Camp to Baseball Fantasy Camp to Cowboy Camp to Space Camp.

Off I went to my gal pals, my peeps, my fellow moms who need to get the heck away. The consensus was the same: we would all love to vacate for two weeks, one week or one day to just be whomever we want away from everyone at home. While Healthy Living Camp is a great option, we decided to dream up our own ultimate camp ideas. 

After lots of laughs (and a few margaritas) with my gal pals, we came up with the following ridiculous and dreamy suggestions for Mom Summer Camp. Please note all camps are of the Disney-esque/Hollywood variety: they are NOT based in reality.  Just like kids don't break out into song and dance in High School and friends with benefits don't ever turn into long-term relationships, these camps are figments of our bizarro imaginations. Enjoy.

Camp with the Stars:  Spend the weekend with your favorite celebrity. Go for dinner, drinks, scuba, heck - drinks and scuba-whatever you want! Chat em up all day and night. The best part? They think you're fantastic, funny and they invite you to their house in the Hampton's for Labor Day! (I'm scheduled to hang at the pool bar at the Ritz in Kapalua with Chris Martin. Just sayin'.)


Camp Funhouse:  Funhouse mirrors abound. Wherever you're at, be it the spa or practicing yoga, you look thinner, leaner and your wrinkles magically disappear under the lights and mirrors. Every day is a good hair day at Camp Funhouse! Enjoy special packages like the "What Could Be Suite." Walk in and see how you would look with red hair, green eyes, longer legs, smaller thighs, etc.


Gals and Grapes: Camp at your favorite vineyard. Learning activities are optional, but hangovers are not. Wine taste and sample artisan cheese at your heart's content and wake up fresh as a daisy. Invigorated and raring to go, you can do it all over again the next day! Think of all the different wines you can bring back home.


Camp Perfection: This camp has it all. Walk on site and you are instantly at your leanest and fittest without dieting or exercise. There is a new and perfectly fitted outfit in your closet everyday for any and all situations. When attending Camp Perfection, guests are taught how to never need to color their hair or tweeze an eyebrow ever again! Here, you are injected with the Camp's secret serum which removes all crabbiness and tiredness from your bones! And, for an extra fee, you gain admittance to the "What Would You Tell Your 25 year old Self" Hall of Wonder. Go in and give yourself advice about work, men, hair styles and fashion trends - this is your chance to impart the glorious wisdom of hindsight.


The cost of all camps includes pre-camp services such as packing for you, coordinating your children's carpools and activities while you are away and preparing meals for your family until you return.

stop. taking. pictures. now!

I'm just gonna throw something out there. How about we issue a cease and desist order on taking pictures with phones of private bits and sending them to other people. Period. No, don't send them to your boyfriend. No, don't send them to your girlfriend. Heck, stop sending them to your spouse - nothing is sacred anymore!  The pictures will get posted online. For the world to see. Even if it is an accident. I don't know about you, but I don't want my former World Civ teacher to have access to me in a shirtless photo.

It has happened to others, it will happen to you. Can everyone knock it off already. What am I missing here? Am I that old at 41 (hurts every time I type it) that I cannot understand why on Earth anyone, yes, anyone, would take a naked photo of themselves and ELECTRONICALLY send it to another person?

And no, I am in no way a prude. Just ask....nevermind. I just don't like to take acknowledged risks when it comes to my privacy. I am not judging Rep. Weiner or Brett Favre or Kim Kardashian (well, maybe her....NO). It seems, however, by participating in naughty photo taking and sending, people are getting caught, and subsequently hurt. The indiscretions tear families apart and destroy careers. Well, wait a minute. In the case of Kim Kardashian, it actually created a career. I can't keep up. Please dear readers, enlighten me. Tell me why this is a seemingly unstoppable phenomenon. 

It brings me to wonder if we as a culture lost the ability to express our love, like, lust in other ways besides virtually? How about letter writing? Whatever happened to long and luxurious phone calls? Oh, wait, how about a night out or even a romantic night in?  Old school? Maybe. Safer? Absolutely. 

Let's all try to follow the rule I keep preaching to my kids: If you don't want your parents or your principal to see the pictures, don't take them. Insert wife, family, boss, country wherever you like, the sentiment is still the same. Stop taking pictures. Now.

Summer Paradox

It's official. Sing it everyone: "Schools out for summer....." Phew. Another year passes, another summer begins and I'm simultaneously overjoyed and terrified. Overjoyed because summer marks the end of the nuisance of homework and tight schedules and playground nonsense. It marks the beginning of ice cream runs and beach days and my kids falling into who they really are. Terrified because I love solitude and I MISS IT SO MUCH DURING THE SUMMER. That's right, I like to be alone. I feel infringed upon when there is too much togetherness for too long.

Yes, I know there is a time in life for everything. This is my time as a mom who needs to be around for her kids. I love it. I do. And it's part of the package - the kids are my priority, and I take that seriously. I look forward to lazy pajama days and long days in the backyard. I love watching my son play baseball - all 16 games and three tournaments of it! I love to sneak peaks at them while they're running around the neighborhood in search of water gun compatriots. And I love trips to DQ at 9:00 on a hot summer night.

And yet. I'll miss my quiet morning time with my coffee. And I'll miss exercising freely, without the worry of rushing home for pick ups or drop offs or sitter time limits. I'll miss the quiet of the afternoon before the dinner rush. And I'll miss being exempt from refereeing during the daytime hours. I'll miss my secret days I keep just for me; the one's when I do something scandalous like see a movie by myself or sneak to the city just to meander through a bookstore. Those I'll miss most, because on those days, those rare days just for me? I get lost in being just 'me' again. Me, not mom,  not wife, just me. Those days keep me grounded, keep me fresh and keep me whole. I don't have nearly enough of those days.

And again, back on the other hand (good thing moms have so many hands) I revel in the question mark that is the summer. I indulge in the open afternoons and long evenings on our deck that sometimes morph into hilarity. I realize that summer is the best time for memory making. After a few weeks, all the kinks are out of being together again and the summer takes on the feeling of a gorgeous free fall into possibility. Most importantly, I keep reminding myself these days are fleeting. Sooner than I can fathom, my kids will prefer solitude and their friends over me.

So, I'll do my best to linger in the moments that create memories while trying not to cringe about my lack of aloneness. Maybe a babysitter is in order to sneak away from the moments; if only for a little while.

let's face it. facebook is fun.

Facebook is everywhere. From 10 year olds to grandmas, everyone is friending everyone. Unfortunately, the bullies have a new playground to trounce upon and the adulterers have easier access to fool around. Big Brother is tracking us even more efficiently. While this is true, sad, disturbing and in need of a voice - can't we also find the good in Facebook among all the bad and the ugly?


I think we can. Let's get real. How many of you have a Facebook account? That's what I thought. I know there are some of you arching your neck ready to say 'Oh I only have it because I like to check in with my kids." Mmmhmm. That may be true. And then there are the other Facebbookers, the voyeur-only types. Those of us that post pictures, but not too many. We hit 'like' occasionally, but resist posting comments. We kind of hide behind our screen, look around and judge the over-posters, but love peeking around their profiles. There are some of us that post pictures, comments, likes and follow 'public figures'. Some of us use Facebook as a way to market a business or cause. And some of us are the Facebookers that love to Facebook, and have no shame in using it in all its social networking glory. We invite mass amounts of friends to dinner, post about morning dental hygiene habits, have complete conversations about who knows what on each others walls....


So we're on Facebook. Why not embrace it? Why be ashamed?  Let's enjoy it while we're there. See it for whatever it is (to you) and leave judgement out of the equation. So what if Friend 62 is going to another poetry reading. Who cares if Friend 129 is going to have a mole removed today. Shake your head and move on and get back to stalking your ex's pictures from his/her recent vacation to Italy.  Admit it, you've done it - I know I have. And it's fun. Especially when an ex is balding....(OOOPs!)


I love when people post funny links from television shows and post comments about their perfect or hellion kids. My favorite? Snarky commentary about anything - who knew there was so much wit behind a screen. How else would I know that a grammar school friend is now a 51 time marathoner and Ironman? I love her daily motivational posts. And another high school friend is so politically active, I enjoy reading his commentary more than reading some of the Op Ed pieces in the Tribune.


Where else can you get questions answered about people you haven't seen in forever without actually picking up the phone or sending an email? It's all as safe and harmless as we make it.


I have reconnected with people I knew eons ago and have gotten to know them better through Facebook. I didn't even realize how much I'd missed them. How cool is that? According to Drew Barrymore (am I really quoting Drew Barrymore?) "If I haven't talked to you in 20 years, there's probably a reason." I agree with this to an extent. I do. And the people I don't want to talk to I don't. In some cases I've tried, but remembered why we parted ways the first time and decided to leave well enough alone. 


But the people in our lives who just slip away because of life, location and distance? Why not enjoy their online company from time to time? I had one of the biggest, loudest belly laughs recently while Facebook chatting with a college classmate I always liked, but never really got to know. As one of my favorite Facebook friends we chuckle often about our kids, life and Prince. Not William, just Prince.


I also enjoy getting to know acquaintances better through Facebook. I get an inside peek at people I normally wouldn't have the opportuntiy to chat with walking around town.  It makes the 'hello' at Jewel mean a little more. I had no idea my neighbor's favorite dog has his very own Facebook page. Cracks. Me. Up.


Don't get me wrong children of the 60s (and 70s, stinkers!) I prefer to talk with people live, see them in person and enjoy a glass of wine or two-together. Sometimes though, with middle age, children, spouses, responsibilities and a country dividing us, virtual friendships can be a nice pick me up.


It's a new world for my generation. One I have tentatively embraced and am glad I did.




For another take on one of the perils of Facebook, check out the wonderful Marjie Killeen's piece at Make It Better: 'The Dangers of Facebook Friending Your Old Flame.'