It's been a busy, crazy, intense, sad and joyous 5 months since I last posted here. As a 'blogger,' one isn't supposed to draw reference to the fact that she hasn't posted in a while, but it's part of a larger theme, so roll with me.
On June 28th, my life was so different, yet still so much the same. My Dad was alive and I was beginning a new adventure in my life. I'm still enjoying my new adventure, I am nearing my 40somethingth birthday, preparing to register my daughter for high school, and my dear Dad passed away. Time keeps moving on. Some days she flies on by, and others she drags her pokey self through each and every hour.
There is such beauty in the passage of time, such grace, so much awe. We know life can change in an instant. We are aware of the intensity of that possibility - but what about the awareness of life changing moment by moment, breath by breath, day by day and so on? For years I've allowed myself the gift of enjoying the present moment and taking time for stillness. It's an ongoing process, as there are days when I'm so unenlightened and ready for the day to be over, I head up to bed as soon as the last dish from dinner is dried. For the most part though, I have a deep respect for the here and now.
The feeling of Now really seeped in to my consciousness right after my Dad died and the month that followed. While it was a time of deep sadness, it was also a time of reflection, wonder and dare I say joy. Joy because of the wonder that is life and death. Joy that I know my Dad is at rest, or in a better place or on a new journey, or whatever it may be called - I know, so deeply, that he is with me. Whenever I want him, he's here. And in that glorious month, I wanted him daily. I woke with him, saw him on and off throughout the day, and said goodnight before I settled in to watch The Daily Show. I think the reason I felt so close to him during that time is because I was allowed to be still - to shut off from the rest of the world to take care of only what really mattered at the moment: grieving, my husband, my kids, my mom, my brothers, getting dinner on the table and maybe doing some laundry. Society allows us this time to be flakey, not return phone calls, miss meetings and be still, if we choose.
I am so fortunate to have friends, family and a community that embraced me and allowed my stillness. I want it back. I want you all to have it too! And, no, I don't want you to have it at the expense of a loss or some other tragedy. I want the quiet and peace that comes with some sort of self imposed shut down of what really matters. I think there is a way to get this back, even though we have to load the dishwasher and go to work and go to parent/teacher conferences and deal with the crazy road rage guy in the Honda. It will take effort to find the peace and dwell in it - but I do know it's possible. It all comes down to balance, and I lack that most days...
The best way to move toward this place, this peace, is to embrace Now. Each moment, every moment. When you're typing, type! When you're stirring the risotto, stir and when you're listening to your son go on and on about the Bears, listen (challenge point for me!) This is the start to finding the space to be still. I am not a guru, I am not a preacher, I am not a religious gal. All I know is what works for me. Stillness works. It's hard to get there, but when I do it works. And if it works for me, I gotta share the love.
Gratitude works too. How many of us are talking about what we're grateful for this week? Everyone! Can gratitude jump the shark? Can we get sick of each other being grateful? I recently read the funniest blog about what we should be ungrateful for - HILARIOUS! I digress. You can never be grateful enough. There is always something - whether it's a new promotion at work, a windfall of cash, a positive diagnoses, a green vs. red light or even the fact that you have a fantastic pillow to sleep on at night - there is always a reason to be grateful. Again, there are days that I scoff at myself and think, really Pollyanna? But deep down, the stillness waits for me to come back.
Time passing is a wonder to feel. It shows us where we have been and what brought us to right now. It reveals what came before, what worked and what failed. And as it passes, we don't dwell in it. We let it pass, flow away so we can choose the moment we are in to embrace all that it is we have, right now. I miss my Dad every day, but feel him so strongly with each passing day, it's almost as if he's closer to me than he ever was.
My hope is to find the balance, find the awareness of the present moment and focus on what matters most, even when all I want to think about is what color wrapping paper should go under the tree this year. And there's a time for that too - as long as it doesn't take away the stillness, the quiet, that amazing pass of time that allows you to simply, be.
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