November 14, 2014

40 days week two - fear is a jealous fellow

(40 days is a series of posts that began on November 4th. If you are interested in reading them in order, start there, otherwise read on and check out all my other musings...)

I'm two weeks into my journey from fear to faith and let me tell you the highs and lows continue to astound and frustrate me. I had a few challenging days when I felt anxiety to the point of a panic attack and I really wanted to feel like a failure. It's not easy to break years and years of self deprecation - and when we fail, at least, when I fail, discouragement really gets the best of me. At the other end of the spectrum, I've had days so full of faith and security felt so deep in my bones, I felt like I could write a novel in one sitting. Pride bursting through me. Contentment, fulfillment, joy simply flowing.

By failure I mean allowing some trigger behaviors, people, situations get the best of me. By failure I mean allowing some anxious thoughts to spin out of control to the point of almost panic.

By learning to shift my consciousness to an 'all is well' mentality, to have faith that the universe is actually conspiring to help little old Neen succeed, I've been able to stop those thoughts somewhere between whoa nellie and a panic attack.  I understand that my thoughts truly do create form and experience. I'm aware of the power I have within to stop my thought and dwell in the infinite strength the universe provides. I know for certain this works. For me. 

So while there have been highs and lows, the undercurrent (the shift of consciousness from fear to faith) is there to catch me, to keep me moving onward, to encourage me to live my truth in the kindest way possible. I like the undercurrent. I like the feeling of abundance in all I hear, see and do. My days still begin with my Abundance Book, reciting a concept, meditating on it and journaling about it. I've also taken to writing my gratitude again. When you truly, truly think about and thank about, you BRING about. Focus on your teenager rolling his eyes, guess what, those eyes are rockin' and rollin' even more. Think about his sweet demeanor and energetic hugs, you get more of it in kind.

On the days that mediation becomes chore-like or situations arise that cause me to want to scoff at my journey and throw my hands in the air, I'm reminded of a quote from author Elizabeth Gilbert. She says, "When you can't see the light, be the light." Be the light. Be the light for others, for my family, for a stranger. For my dog. Be. The. Light.  We've heard the saying the best way to be happy is to make others happy. Be the light. It feels good.  So on my off days, my tired days, the days when all I want to do is sit with a Venti Soy Chai and a box of cookies, I try even harder to be the light. It works. It brings joy, it brings peace. 

Next week, more on the journey, more on giving to others what you need the most and a story of my encounter with a stranger named Debbie.

No comments: